Insanity in Torment

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    Mikko
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    Insanity in Torment

    Post by Mikko on Mon Apr 27, 2009 1:55 pm

    Chapter 1

    A JTHM fanfic.

    Headphones on, Johnny C. walked the semi crowded streets, classical music drowning out any noise around him. He looked straight ahead as we walked, not sparing even a glance at the illuminated widows or the people that passed him. His goal was the small convenient store at the end of the corner. A trip that he frequently made to purchase freezes and chips.

    Johnny's heavy boots scraped lazily on the cracked, stained pavement as he walked. He closed his eyes momentarily to take in the soft breeze that passed over him. Taking deep breath, he wrinkled his nose. The city in no way, had a pleasant smell to it. More like a mix of week old garbage filled with soiled adult diapers, and cooked cabbage. The image he placed in his own head made him gag.

    Arriving at the convince store, Johnny was greeted by a single light that hung loosely from the corner of the building. It swayed in the breeze, casting erie shadows over the vacant parking lot. The building it self had seen better days, windows borded up from a recent break-in and vandalism, paint chipped and cracked, it was a wonder the place hadn't closed it's doors for good.

    The cowbell above the door rang loudly as Johnny pushed his way in. The young man behind the counter didn't look up, focused on a magazine he chuckled and shook his head. Johnny paid no mind, he had come here for one reason, well two reasons, freezes and chips.

    With almost giddy enthusiasm, Johnny wrapped his fingers around the larger of the cup choices, filling it to the brim with cherry flavored icy heaven. After snapping the plastic bubble top on and impaling a straw in the frosty drink, he walked to the counter, pulling off his headphones.

    The tall young man that had been reading a magazine was now on the phone, paying no attention to the waiting costumer he turned his back to Johnny.

    "Excuse me..." Johnny said attempting to get the man's attention. But, his low, soft voice went either unheard or just simply unanswered. It didn't matter, the once patent costumer was quickly becoming irritated. "Hello?" He tried again, his soft voice more stern. He was rewarded for his efforts with a dirty look.

    "Can you hold on?" The cashier asked into the phone. He placed the phone down beside him. "Some people can be so rude..." He mumbled, but made no attempt to try and hide what he was saying. This, sent Johnny over the edge.

    It was quick, but far from painless. The cell phone was snatched from it's resting place, leaping gracefully over the counter, Johnny slammed the phone into the stuned cashiers opened mouth, pushing it far back into his throat.

    The Cashier's eyes grew wide, staring at his killer. He clawed at his throat, choking and spitting up phlegm. Johnny let the man fall to the floor, his satisfied smirk was quick to fade. Something was wrong with this scene, it needed more color, He decided.

    Reaching out his arm behind him, Johnny grabbed hold of a pair of scissors laying next to the cash register. The cashier was dead, foaming at the mouth, eyes staring at nothing. Johnny didn't register this, that, or didn't care. He lifted the scissors above his head, metal point aimed for the deceases chest. A twisted grin tugged at his soft features.

    A giggle. Johnny stopped and looked around. He lowered the scissors and listened. A sigh, but not from him, this was from a female. Johnny scanned the small room, no one.

    "Hello?"

    "Hello?" The female voice echoed. It sounded almost child like, playful yet menacing.

    Johnny walked around the counter, no longer interested in the cashier or the freezy. "Where are you?" He looked down each aisle, scissors still gripped firmly in his hand.

    "Up here!" The voice chuckled, as if it was something that he should have already known.

    He looked up. There was boxes on top of the freezers, still scanning the small building, behind the cash register cigarettes, cigars and liquor. A shelf higher, cleaning supples. His eyes scanned over the dusty shelves and rested on a porcelain doll.

    The doll sat slumped and forgotten, her once white face yellowish in color, long black hair laid messy on her head. Soulless black eyes stared at Johnny. "You..." He pointed at the doll accusingly. It earned him another chuckle.

    Johnny walked back behind the counter,stepping over the body and climbing up the small wooden ladder. He plucked the doll from it's resting spot and looked it over. The doll was quiet. She wore a torn and stained black dress. a crack went from her missing left eye to the corner of her ruby red mouth.

    After a good once over, he set the doll back down his mind once again returning to his original goal, freezes and chips.

    Grabbing his goods, Johnny tossed the money on the counter and started on his way out.

    "Wait! Don't leeeeeeave meeeeeee." The doll wailed. The cry sent chills down Johnny's spine. He turned back to the doll. She stared back. He was unsure what to do, he mindlessly nursed his freezy...

    The walk back home was unpleasant, it had started to rain. His hair, what little he had left of it, was plastered to his head. His cloths soaked. Once back home he tossed the wet doll on the couch and changed.

    He walked back in the room moments later shoveling chips into his mouth. He looked at the doll again. Just what he needed. "What is you name?"

    Maybe it was just his imagination, he was crazy after all, but the doll almost seemed to grin. The corner of her delicate lips turned only slightly. "Mikko."

    "I'm..."

    "I know who you are, Nny." Mikko interrupted, her voice, it seemed to almost be changing, sometimes it sounded playful like that of a child's, other times it was darker. Johnny just nodded. of course she new who he was. Her voice turned playful again.

    "We're going to be the best of friends! I just know it!."

    Some how, Johnny didn't like the sound of that...
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    lost frequencies
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    Re: Insanity in Torment

    Post by lost frequencies on Tue Apr 28, 2009 4:10 am

    As promised, a bit of constructive criticism. You may use these suggestions if you want. Very Happy

    I'm breaking this into two parts!

    Headphones on, Johnny C. walked the semi crowded streets, classical music drowning out any noise around him. He looked straight ahead as we walked, not sparing even a glance at the illuminated widows or the people that passed him. His goal was the small convenient store at the end of the corner. A trip that he frequently made to purchase freezes and chips.

    Typo: widows -- windows


    Johnny's heavy boots scraped lazily on the cracked, stained pavement as he walked. He closed his eyes momentarily to take in the soft breeze that passed over him. Taking deep breath, he wrinkled his nose. The city in no way, had a pleasant smell to it. More like a mix of week old garbage filled with soiled adult diapers, and cooked cabbage. The image he placed in his own head made him gag.

    I suggest re-structuring the paragraph a little to make it flow much better?

    Johnny's heavy boots scraped lazily along the cracked, stained pavement as he walked, with eyes closed momentarily to take in the soft passing breeze that caused him to wrinkle his nose in utter disgust. He imagined, the smell of the city, like a mix of week-old garbage filled with soiled adult diapers and cooked cabbage. He gagged at his own imagery.

    Arriving at the convince store, Johnny was greeted by a single light that hung loosely from the corner of the building. It swayed in the breeze, casting erie shadows over the vacant parking lot. The building it self had seen better days, windows borded up from a recent break-in and vandalism, paint chipped and cracked, it was a wonder the place hadn't closed it's doors for good.

    Typos:

    convince -- convenient

    erie -- eerie

    it self -- as one word, itself.

    borded -- boarded

    it's -- don't use an apostrophe for the sentence : its doors.

    The cowbell above the door rang loudly as Johnny pushed his way in. The young man behind the counter didn't look up, focused on a magazine he chuckled and shook his head. Johnny paid no mind, he had come here for one reason, well two reasons, freezes and chips.

    Needs a little more description? I suggest with describing the place, and elaborate more on the actions of the man behind the counter: what he was reading, and what he looked like...something like that.


    With almost giddy enthusiasm, Johnny wrapped his fingers around the larger of the cup choices, filling it to the brim with cherry flavored icy heaven. After snapping the plastic bubble top on and impaling a straw in the frosty drink, he walked to the counter, pulling off his headphones.



    i. Giddy with enthusiasm, Johnny wrapped his fingers around...
    ii. He poked a straw through the lid of the frosty drink, walked to the counter and pulled back his headphones...

    The tall young man that had been reading a magazine was now on the phone, paying no attention to the waiting costumer he turned his back to Johnny.

    The tall young man behind the counter was on the phone with his back facing Johnny, paying no attention to his waiting customer...


    _________________
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars. ~ Kahlil Gibran
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    lost frequencies
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    Number of posts : 329
    Age : 32
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    Re: Insanity in Torment

    Post by lost frequencies on Tue Apr 28, 2009 4:32 am

    It was quick, but far from painless. The cell phone was snatched from it's resting place, leaping gracefully over the counter, Johnny slammed the phone into the stuned cashiers opened mouth, pushing it far back into

    his throat.


    it's -- its
    stuned -- stunned
    cashiers -- cashier's

    The Cashier's eyes grew wide, staring at his killer. He clawed at his throat, choking and spitting up phlegm. Johnny let the man fall to the floor, his satisfied smirk was quick to fade. Something was wrong with this

    scene, it needed more color, He decided.

    more descriptions! moar! XD Lemme see blooood-uh! and more phlegm?

    Reaching out his arm behind him, Johnny grabbed hold of a pair of scissors laying next to the cash register. The cashier was dead, foaming at the mouth, eyes staring at nothing. Johnny didn't register this, that, or

    didn't care. He lifted the scissors above his head, metal point aimed for the deceases chest. A twisted grin tugged at his soft features.

    deceases -- deceased's

    A giggle. Johnny stopped and looked around. He lowered the scissors and listened. A sigh, but not from him, this was from a female. Johnny scanned the small room, no one.

    Then he heard a giggle. Johnny stopped, lowered his scissors and looked around as he listened. He heard a sigh, a female voice, but even after scanning the small room a few times, he could see no one.

    It looks like a great start! And I can't wait to see this up on fanfiction.net. With the misspellings corrected and a little more descriptions added for some flava, I'm pretty sure this will turn out into an awesome story! Very Happy


    _________________
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars. ~ Kahlil Gibran
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    Mikko
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    Re: Insanity in Torment

    Post by Mikko on Tue Apr 28, 2009 4:36 am

    ^_^ thank you so much. I'm definitely going to work on it more before putting it on FF.

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